A Sukonbu A Day Keeps The Doctor Away
by ijustwanttodestroy
Summary: "I'll make you bleed from your ass, you dick," she is furious, pissed, and smells like shit, and is having her period. Not to mention she is just this close to cry and have a glorious mental breakdown! Perfect excuse to kill a certain bastard.
1. S For Sukonbu, M For Menstruation

**A/N: Hi, this is my first fan fiction. The first chapter isn't very long, yeah. I think it's going to have a lot of chapters (since I want to make these two have a crush on each other no matter what and that's going to take a hella long time). Constructive criticism is always welcome. I hope you enjoy this!**

**DISCLAIMER: Sorachi's.**

**S For Sukonbu, M For Menstruation  
**

Sometimes Kagura wonders, if she ever misses her planet.

Yato's planet. Dark, cold, _bloodied_. Her home.

She remembers the pungent smell of rain, the muddy earth, and constant dripping of rain. She used to be so sick of the noise she couldn't get out of her house for days. The scent – was nauseating. Wet dirt and the always lingering taste of iron in the air, the oxygen itself could be mixed with blood.

Her kind was sensitive (overly so, apparently. So much for the strongest race in the universe) to sun rays, so the (only) weather on her planet, _supported_ her life, you could say so. But in some bad days back then, she wondered if she should be thankful of that or just blow up her planet to pieces.

On days like these, though, in the present – with clouded sky and pouring rain, she wonders if she misses her home.

She wonders if it's even her _home _anymore. Sure, it's where she came from, but she's got nothing to _love_ there. Nothing to miss. There are remains of her dusty, vacant house and the grave of her mother, and there are memories there – she isn't sure if those are anything to be missed. Even the memories. Good memories hurt the most.

She remembers how her brother was. No – how _Kamui_ used to be. With her father away, Kamui used to be the only one she could depend on. Yato, even with their own kind, are not friendly. The weaklings are killed. It's the "survival of the fittest" kind of crap.

Her ill mother, was fated to be dead. Well, they all are, granted, but on her planet she was _condemned _to be dead. Yato pride their clan as the strongest, the most powerful – they despise weaklings, even one of their own. _Especially _one of their own.

There were times she was picked on by other kids for having a sick mother. Kamui was the one who protected her. He would wrestle and fight, and she'd cry. That was the only thing she could ever did, apparently.

And then he told her he had no use to weaklings.

She wasn't sure what happened. Was it because their mother finally died? Because the fight with their father? Because he was sick of her, just like how she was sick of her _life_?

Or was it just meant to be?

Their father is said as one of the strongest of their clan.

And now, Kamui is close to having that title. She'd heard from people, she'd seen him that time in Yoshiwara, and she'd _known_. Call it sibling intuition or whatever, she always knows he's _different_, even among the clansmen. His bloodlust. His hatred.

It didn't use to be like this.

She remembers how he took care of her, how he comforted her, albeit harshly, how he used to wipe the tears off her cheeks. How he once made her laugh. Made their mother laugh. How he hid his wounds from fights with the other kids, so their mother wouldn't be sad. And now, those times are gone.

Kagura hated fights when she was a child. Her brother wasn't so. She noticed the smile he couldn't hide as he shed blood. She remembers the _fear _she felt, watching her brother as a _Yato_.

She lost him.

Kagura suddenly felt a huge urge to punch someone. Preferably a braided pansy who looks so much like her it's sickening. She sees him in the mirror – him, and their mother. A reminder of who she is.

No, that's wrong. She had decided her blood doesn't define her. Doesn't matter if she was a Yato or a madao. She's what she does, what she _feels._ She won't let what her brother has done – who her brother _is_ – affect her.

But the memory of Yoshiwara hits her like a trainwreck. How she felt the thirst of blood for the first time – how she'd got _pleasure_ from just watching the blood she'd earned splattered to her skin. How it felt _good_.

Is _that_ what she is? A _monster_?

Okay, now the urge to cry is just as strong as punching people. Or maybe both. She could punch people _while_ crying, yes, that doesn't sound so bad, does it? She's a teenager in puberty. She's having her period. It's a valid reason to cry _and _to go on a punching spree.

And that's the thought she has as she falls down, hard, face first, into a puddle of shit. It smells like shit, so it's probably a literal shit.

She lies there, in the middle of the street, motionless, face-slammed into a puddle of shit.

She's got a bad feeling that –

"Ooopsss. You shouldn't zone out while walking, China, it's dangerous."

– _Of course_ it's him, that ugly piece of fucker, such a bastard, she's going to _smother_ him to little dots of poop and shove up that dirty sword he has up to his asshole. And then he is going to be a_ literal_ asshole.

She stood, took a deep breath of poop, and swings her fist so hard into Sougo's jaw she saw red.

Ahh, that sure feels good. She has completed her to-do list.

* * *

Sougo flew at least three meters backward as he sees stars.

His nose must be broken, and that's such a shame, it's the second time this month. He laid there, in the middle of the street, motionless. He needs to lay down for a while, his nose is probably broken.

(Who's he kidding? _Of course_ it's broken)

It has been a very, very boring day. It's been raining since three in the morning (he only knows that because he was planning to lit fireworks inside Hijikata's room) and the Shinsengumi barracks is flooding with water. Thus, to escape from scrubbing off overloaded shit (literal shit) in the barrack's toilet, he decided to prank someone unfortunate with shit (literal shit) instead.

What a proud asshole.

Someone (who's he kidding? Of course it's Kagura) steps on his groin and he makes an ungodly screeching noise of agony.

He manages to scramble away just before she shoots his balls to smithereens with her umbrella, and in return, he gets slathered with shit right in his face.

"Now, you ugly tax-stealing police, we're _even_!"

He's left speechless, with a broken nose, and a face of poop as he assesses what has just happened.

That's it?

No balls-shooting? No flipping-into-the-wall? No setting his clothes on fire?

His nose pulses painfully and he wants to throw up, but no, is that _it_?

"Are you, like, having your period or something?"

Famous last words.

* * *

That's it.

With a beastly roar, Kagura lunges and flips the bastard into a wall. She got her umbrella and proceeds to aim at his balls and seeks for torches to burn this bastard into a fucking rasengan.

"I'll make you bleed from your ass, you dick," she is furious, pissed, and smells like shit, _and _is having her period. Not to mention she is just _this _close to cry and have a glorious mental breakdown!

Perfect excuse to kill a certain bastard.

**-to be continued lol-**


	2. Not Only People Who Opens Their Umbrella

**A/N: did anyone notice the (horrifying amount of) grammar mistakes in the previous chapter? Ahahahhahahahahhahha ha hanekf;eggjengda;engae;otkbrain****,****why?sngpaeinimsosorryrepopaepepepepepepebichigusomaru**

**I took a really long time for update. I know. Haha. Sorry. School stuff and I got lazy. I tried to make this one long!**

_**#EXCUSES**_

**(I changed the hurt/comfort tag to humor. I'm still not sure, though... Tell me what you think?)**

**DISCLAIMER: Sorachi's.**

**Please enjoy!**

* * *

**Not Only People Who Opens Their Umbrella 24/7 Even On Sunny Days Are Batshit Insane**

It's been two weeks since the shit incident.

They had go at it for fifteen minutes before someone called the police (oh, the irony) and Shinpachi, who went out for grocery, found and tried to stop them (he got a broken nose for that). Gintoki, who just busted about two months worth of salary in the Pachinko, luckily (unluckily) walked across them by accident and also tried to stop them (he also got a broken nose for that). After some more broken noses and a war of shit-throwing involving a gorilla, a vice commander, a couple of Shinsengumi officers and Yorozuya Gin-chan and a handful of civilians (a suspiciously familiar-looking monkey showed up and supplied them with a lot of shit before magically disappear), both of the parties went home safely. Kind of.

A week passed without any troubles… kind of.

Kagura has gotten of her period, thank heavens, although her mood doesn't instantly boost like how she expects it to, which is worrying, because being gloomy + Kagura = catastrophic mood swings and absence of food.

If Gintoki and Shinpachi notice, they haven't said anything – she has suspicions, however. They let her hogged the sofa and took over the remote for five hours straight the other day, they even let her ate more rice than her share, and that's huge, really, being poor as Gin and Shinpachi are, they aren't exactly generous when it comes to food.

And either they told Otae or she figured it out herself because yesterday, Aneue took her out shopping to the street. They had fun, and it lightened up her mood for a while, she's glad for that.

Today's raining.

Her head clouds up as much as the sky. It's eight in the morning – Shinpachi should be here any minute – and Gintoki is procrastinating on the sofa with Jump over his face.

She's leaning against the rail, watching drops of water twinkling from the roof, falling to the ground. _Drip, drip, drop._

Depressing as fuck.

She should do something, anything! Right, she hasn't eaten. She walks furiously (furious, yes, she _hates _being depressing. She even forgets she hasn't had breakfast, that's a bad sign) to the kitchen and stormed to the rice cooker – _of course _there's nothing!

(Of course, because she raided the thing last night, but no one needs to know.)

"Gin-chan."

Gintoki hums. "Hmmm."

"There's no food."

"Hmmm."

"I'm hungry."

Gin sighs. "Just, like, cook Sadaharu or something – _no, _don't aim thAT THING TO MY DI_—"_

"Don't say such a crude word in front of a lady." Kagura says, but being the cute, nice girl she is, she puts her umbrella down.

"Shinpachi's gonna bring some food," Gin's blank face momentarily looks unsure, "maybe." Kagura considers shooting his d*ck, but the door opens and Shinpachi's voice chimes in.

He _does_ bring some food, and it's not just burnt eggs. Kagura and Gintoki create identical squeals of joy as they brawl over a tempura. "Aneue's boss celebrated his birthday yesterday, so we got a lot of leftovers," Shinpachi explained – not that they're listening – and frowns upon the unsightly scene in front of him (both of them shoving fingers up each other's nostril for the sake of tempura).

After some more fights and screams, they settle down and feast in peace. Shinpachi informs them of some job requests he gets involving leaky roofs and Gintoki whines, but is also secretly glad since, _finally, money!_ And then Shinpachi tells them a little too-excitedly about Otsuu-chan's new album and they told him to shut up.

The rhythmic sounds of raindrops accompany their breakfast, and Kagura realizes, at this kind of moment, she doesn't really mind the noise.

* * *

"Yes," Kagura says. Her cheeks red with flush and her eyes gleam brightly.

_What?_

Sougo feels giddy, he's kneeling across of her, his hands offering a crimson rose and… a _ring_?

She nods, her lips pursing into a happy smile. "Yes, I do."

_What?_

"Congratulation, Sougo!" Gori — er, Kondou-san pats him on the back, eyes bawling and he smiles so wide it's unnerving. "You've grown! You're married now!" beside him, Otae Shimura smiles with happy tears in her eyes, and the goril — er, Kondou-san and Otae stare lovingly at each other. Kondou reaches out and fondles Otae's hands, "now we're both married."

Sougo sees Gintoki and a pair of floating glasses, also crying (he has no idea how the glasses able to cry) in the background. Hijikata shows up, shaking his head, and proceeds patting his shoulder, too. "Mitsuba must be so proud of you," Hijikata chokes tears, looking like he rewatches Pedoro. "You manage to propose, something that I couldn't do. You're a man now, Sougo. And I'm still single yet!"

And then Yamazaki pops up, shaking Sougo's hand vigorously. Why the fuck is everyone crying, again? "Congratulation, captain! Let me introduce you to my bride now, Anpanko!"

_I do!_

* * *

Sougo wakes up from the most fucked up dream ever.

_What the fuck. _He thinks. _What the fuck._

He glances at the clock. Fucking _five _in the morning. _What the fuck _is wrong with him? He should be awake only four hours after.

And no, he did not dream anything at all.

Nope. Not at all.

"_Rise and shine!" _Hijikata has started his usual morning call with his megaphone. "_Rise and shine, fuckers!"_

He plans on sneaking into Hijikata's currently defenseless bedroom and steals (or better, _poison_) his stacks of mayonnaise for being so fucking loud in the morning (also for existing) and also to erase _whateverthefuck_ dream he just had off his brain, so he sits up and –

– notices a weird sensation at his nether region.

Oh.

_Oh._

Mortified, he kicks his blanket off and yep, his little soldier is up, looking as glorious as ever and ready to party — _rise and shine, fucker._

He nearly _screams._

He scrambles off his futon and stands up, shit, way too quickly because his nerves sprain and he fumbles and _voila, _his big toe stubs the cupboard so hard he sees his life flashing before his eyes. _I do. _He cusses impressively and limps toward the door, maneuvering his hand to cover his crotch and ready to behead anyone unfortunate enough to come across him. _I do! _

He runs awkwardly for the bathroom because, _cold shower._

He's got a feeling today isn't going to be his greatest day.

* * *

"Sougo."

Sougo blinks. "Huh?" he turns. Kondou is calling him, and he looks worried. "What?"

"It's the fifth time I call you. It's unusual for you to zone out like that… are you okay?"

Well, damn. "I'm fine," he replies, a little too aggressively. "I just –"

Just?

Daydreams?

Well, _talking about dreams…_

"Shut up," he blurts. Kondou looks hurt and puts up a pair of puppy (gorilla) eyes, and Sougo flinches, out of his non-existent sense of remorse and creeped self. "I mean, no, I'm just talking to myself. It's nothing. Nothing." Sure it's nothing. He stutters. Is he stuttering? Is he? Okita Sougo _doesn't _stutter. What the fuck.

"Sougo, are you sure you're okay?" fuck, Kondou looks seriously worried now. Of course he is okay!

_Right_?

The door slides and Yamazaki walks in on them and salutes his superiors before hurries over to Kondou. "Kondou-san, here's the report you asked," Yamazaki gave him some files and shit and Sougo freezes when Yamazaki turns to him. "Captain, Hijikata-san told me to tell you that…"

Sougo stares as him and all he hears is _Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpako, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpanko, Anpan—_

"Yeah, I'll do it." he cuts him off and the guy looks surprised. "You _will_? That's great, captain!" he smiles in a very sincere _wow, I can't believe this _way and Sougo wonders what the hell has he agreed to. "This is the address," Yamazaki continues, giving him a scrap of paper, "good luck, Captain. All you have to do is just fix his roof a little bit, offer an apology, and you're done!"

What.

"_What_?" and something in Sougo's expression must look murderous because Yamazaki pales.

"Now, now, Sougo, we don't want the Shinsengumi to look bad, do we?" Kondou laughs boisterously and pats him on the shoulder. A sudden wave of déjà vu flushes over Sougo's head and he feels nauseous. "After the fight you had with the Yorozuya girl last week, you ought an apology to the civilian…" Sougo knows what's coming. "…after all, you both broke his roof."

_And his nose_, Yamazaki thinks.

Fuck. Now that Kondou-san says it, he can't possibly refuse, can he? Fuck every roof in existence. Fuck Hijikata too for existing. Fuck Yamazaki for coming in and taking advantage of the situation. Fuck Kondou for – okay, the thought of fucking Kondou isn't a very nice after image, so maybe not really – reminding him of that… that… _Chinese breed gorilla_.

_I do!_

"Here's his address, Captain!"

Fuck.

* * *

The rain has stopped.

In fact, there isn't any trace of it left at all, except for puddles of water here and there on the street's cracks – for the sun shines like a bitch.

"_I'm gonna diiiiiiiiiie_," Kagura mourns, umbrella opens and she fans herself with Gin's kimono.

"Ooi, Kagura… c'mere and do something or I won't pay your salary. Also, don't wipe your sweat with my clothes! Gross." _Clank, clank, clank _goes the hammer in Gin's sweaty fist. He already gave up his black shirt (which Kagura uses to wipe her sweat), sacrificing his skin to sunburns.

"You never pay anyway."

"Smart ass."

"Lazy ass."

"Flat ass. _Kidding don't shoot – _FUCK!" Gintoki cries, "you're destroying the roof!"

Kagura _almost _looks guilty as she says, "Oh, shoot."

"God damn i— _is that a pun? How dare you to make a pun out of that_—"

"Hey, the owner said –" Shinpachi pauses and stares in horror. "What the hell happened?"

"_She_'s what happened!" Gin points accusingly at the girl currently sprawls under the (what left of) roof, munching konbu while wiping her sweat off his shirt. "Whatever, let's just get this shit done."

"Ah, right," Shinpachi pushes his glasses up his nose, before sliding down again from the sweat. Everyone's sweating like _hell, _literal hell, considering the current temperature. But Shinpachi's sudden outbreak of sweats isn't completely caused by the heat. His eyes skitters to Kagura anxiously and he says, "uh, about that…"

"Talking about shit," Kagura deadpans, "What's that poop doing here?"

A certain asshole stares nonchalantly at them from the front lawn.

* * *

_Yeah, _he thinks, _not a great day._

The second he steps out of the barracks, the sun illuminates marvelously and he's just, fucking pissed and he wants to nap.

And he won't admit that the thought of sleeping, apparently, _bothers _him. And of course it's not because of some stupid, fucked up dream he had earlier this morning. Of course not. Not at all.

_I do!_

"Fuck," he whispers, rubbing his hand up to his forehead and pulls down his eye-mask. He should just nap.

And off to dreamland?

_I do!_

His vein twitches.

Ridiculous! One random dream and look at his state, disoriented and angry and fucked. It's just a _dream._ Sougo isn't the kind of people who takes dreams seriously as some jiggery pocery, hocus pocus shit. And obviously not a dream in which he proposes to Kagura.

No, he isn't blushing.

Okita Sougo does notblush.

God _damn_.

Kagura. Riiiight. Not Kagura. Names are personal, names are intimate, and he loathes that kind of shit. Nope. He never calls her... _that. _Or anyone, really.

Kagura. Sounds weird in his head. He wonders if it would still taste odd, when it rolls on his tongue.

_What the fuck is this, a fanfiction?_

She – _China_, he decides, _fucking China_ – is not even his friend.

(Not that Sougo has any friend in particular, except maybe a certain other sadist in Kabuki-cho)

An acquaintance, maybe, albeit it sounds pretentious. No, she's his… archenemy. Yeah, that sounds about right. A rival.

Now that he thinks about it, it also sounds ridiculous how he, an 18 years old young man, takes a (presumably) 14 years old as a rival.

It also sounds somehow perverted.

Okita Sougo swears on his life that he does not have any lolita Chinese apparel fetishes of sort. And certainly not on some 14 years old Chinese breed gorilla.

He swears. Heart crossed.

Why is he seriously _thinking _about her like a cool mysterious protagonist in a shoujo manga on the way to realize his deep, undying, complicated love to the heroin— fuck no.

He hates her.

Okita Sougo's hate chart is basically this:

1\. Hijikata Toshirou

2\. Work

3\. Hijikata Toshirou's v-cut bangs

4\. Mayonaisse

5\. Work

6\. Hijikata Toshirou

7\. A 14 years old Chinese breed gorilla, aka a 14 years old Chinese girl wannabe and also one of apparently, the strongest clan in the universe

8\. Die Hijikata

9\. Work

And so on.

But now he wonders himself: does he really _hate _her?

It's obvious his deep, undying, complicated hatred towards Hijikata, is completely reasonable: Hijikata is a mayonnaise-addicted, also nicotine-addicted (and hopefully will die of lung cancer), asshole who broke his sister's heart, and – okay, basically, he's the antagonist to Sougo's life. He has hated Hijikata since he was ten.

(Sougo is more likely the antagonist, but whatever, you get the point.)

But what about the heroine of Gint*ma?

Aka a 14 years old Chinese breed gorilla, aka a 14 years old Chinese girl wannabe and also one of apparently, the strongest clan in the universe?

As long as he could remember, since the first time they met, they already hated each other.

It was hate at first sight.

But now, really, now, he wonders _why_, something Sougo, has never done before. Okita Sougo never wonders why. His needs are simple, really: eat, sleep, kills, preferably Hijikata. He does things he wants, and he never contemplates why.

However.

_Why? _Because he's bothered (yes, bothered, not _afraid_, that's not Sougo) of the probability that, perhaps – perhaps, in underlined capital, bold, italic – _**PERHAPS**_,he doesn't actually _hate _her.

_Why? _Because what if, _**PERHAPS**_, what made him so… _agitated_, so irritated of her existence is something else entirely than _hate_.

And that won't do.

Not at all. He probably has to kill her off or something.

(Which is, quite difficult to accomplish considering the person in talking is in fact, a Yato – a Yato who has broken his nose at least six times and also broke his bones at least eight times. Plus, the person in talking has two fathers and two of them are pretty fucking strong.)

So, _why _does he hate her?

She's annoying, that's for sure. She bitches and hearing her talk has irritated him to some degrees. She's strong, too, and maybe that also counts to the _why_. And also…

Also…?

Fucking anpan.

_Talking about anpan_… Sougo scurries into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper and squints his eyes to read Yamazaki's hideous handwriting.

He takes his mind off the whole china thing and focus on the bigger thing right here. Ditch or not ditch?

He thinks of the pros and cons.

Cons, doing something that lightens Hijikata's works. He should buy some dango himself and takes a nap. Fuck dreams, fuck China – metaphorically – fuck Hijikata – also metaphorically.

Pros, he might squeeze some money out of the civilian and he can _then_ eat some dangos – and, of course, for the _greater good_, he will put Shinsengumi's name into no shame.

Well, fuck.

(Okay, another pros: the said dango place (and he incidentally craves dango at the moment) is a certain dad of a certain Chinese-breed gorilla's favorite place to hang out and there _is _a chance he might meet both of them, so yeah.)

So off he goes.

His summer-style Shinsengumi uniform, aka the-same-uniform-as-everyday-but-with-ripped-off-sleeves, does not do well under the bitching of the sun. His resolve to do his duty as an officer weakens with every building he passes by, and he genuinely hopes it will vanish by the time he reaches his destination – but no, maybe it's the heat, maybe it's just whatever-the-fuck fucking his head at the moment; but he _does _reach the civilian's house.

He stares at the doorbell and if looks could kill, oh well.

He rethinks his decision to actually do his duty and is about to turn back and just ditch but then of course, the door opens.

He's greeted by an old man and he looks irritated as hell and all sweaty. He barks and his voice is loud for someone in his sixties, yapping and angry. "Did the Shinsengumi sent you here, boy?!" he doesn't wait for an answer and gestures for Sougo to follow him inside, which Sougo obeys nicely. His house is pretty huge and that means money.

"Crazy youngins the other day, fighting in the middle of the street! When I was your age…" at this Sougo zones out and scans the insides and whoever owns this house must be _really _rich. Everything is polished squeaky clean. The interiors are elegant and every one of them screams, _expensive! _Sougo wonders if he'd get tipped. "What was the brat that destroyed my roof again? As old as I am, memory starts to get hazier and hazier, bah. _Bollocks_!" he then looks at Sougo (who wonders what does "bollocks" mean) questioningly, and Sougo stares back before saying "oh" and "Hijikata Toshirou, Sir." before letting the man rattles until "…bah, bunch of bullshit. But enough of that, you wait here, and I'll call the boy with glasses."

Sougo isn't really the kind of guy with sharp intuition or whatever; he has always been the face-off kind of guy. But at this moment, something tells him his luck is pretty shitty today.

* * *

**Ok, maybe this isn't that long.**

**(aka pretty damn short)**

**(I want to THANK everyone who reviews and follows and favorites! YOU GUYS ROCK, I SWEAR. THANK Y OU ANG;ADGEPANBESG.)**

**-to be continued lol-**


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